Montana/Featured
Montana (also known as Wyoming's Scotland) was the 41st state admitted to the United States of America on November 8, 1889. Montana is known as the Big Sky state. Scientific studies have shown that the sky is between 23 and 42 percent larger in Montana than in any other state, unless you happen to be standing directly beneath one of the millions of elephants which freely roam over the landscape. Population There are only 62 people in the entire state of Montana, not counting Ted Turner and other criminals hiding out in the mountains and in the caves where elephants go to die. They all live on ranches and wear bolo ties and subsist on a diet of "Rocky Mountain Oysters" (don't ask). Everyone in Montana has his or her own county except for long-time companions Clark and Louie and Clark's mother Helena who live together in Lewis & Clark County. There are also rumored to be two people in Butte -- Paddy and Patty Harrington, but nobody has ever stopped there long enough to find out for sure. History The state of Montana was founded by Mike Mansfield who was born there during the Lewis & Clark Expedition. His mother was Sacajawea, but Mike was raised by wolves. Mansfield later served 32 terms in the US Senate before retiring at the age of 208. Factonistas like to argue that Mansfield could not possibly have been 208 when he retired from the Senate because Lewis & Clark passed through Montana only 200 years ago. This only demonstrates how much trouble you can get into when you abandon truthiness for something like arithmetic. Those early years were tough on young Mike as he built up the state's donkey farms, mined all of the copper in Butte aided only by Danny "Digger" Sullivan, and founded the University of Montana in his spare time. That kind of thing can age a person more than arithmetic recognizes. In 1953, Mansfield co-authored a book with singer Woody Guthrie called The Big Sky (Amazon). It was a slightly fictionalized account of the Senator's early days in Montana and became a best-seller. The state adopted the book's title as its nickname. Prior to that, Mansfield had hired a painter, Charlie Russell, to record the Senator's early campaign swings through the state. A 1923 law requires that at least two prints of Russell paintings must be prominently displayed in all Montana homes. In a blockbuster 1987 deal, mogul Ted Turner bought most of Montana. Ever since, he's been raising massive thundering herds of buffalo on his land. They are trained to be Godless killing machines, like their bear cousins. Turner reportedly plans to stampede murderous bison herds through any state that doesn't vote for Democrats. Politics Montana's rancher/governor Brian Schweitzer appeared on the Colbert Report (YouTube) and convinced Stephen to wear a bolo tie. Even though Schweitzer is what they call a "Democrat" in Montanease, Stephen quickly saw through the ruse and appeared to enjoy the conversation. That indicates that the word "Democrat" means something different in Montanease than it does in American. Montana sometimes has to send people from other states to fill out its required seats in Congress. One of the state's current Senators, Conrad Burns, was actually from someplace in the South but he was forced to flee when it was discovered that he was shacking up there with Jack Abramoff. A guy named Jon Tester ran against Burns in 2006. If it weren't for his name, Tester might be mistaken for a Montanease "Democrat" like Stephen's buddy Brian Schweitzer. After all, Tester also wants to give guns to everyone in the country and, like Schweitzer, owns one of the ranches that Turner didn't buy. But the name "Jon", using the same misspelling as John Stewart, shows that Tester is actually a fire-breathing liberal who doesn't deserve to even stand on the same podium as a ''Mizooruh''-born Real American like Conrad Burns. Cousins of Montana's other Senator, Max Baucus, own the remaining four ranches that aren't owned by either Ted Turner or his ex-brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Montana is known for electing the first female member of the United States Congress, Jeanette Rankin, in 1916. She didn't own a ranch. It should be noted, however, that the main reason Rankin was elected was because elderly Montanans trying to vote for Al Gore were confused by the butterfly ballots which were used in the state that year. Rankin was a notorious Cut-and-runner who voted against entry into both WWI and WWII. Interesting Facts There are no speed limits on Montana highways. In fact, drivers clocked traveling at speeds of 150 miles per hour or less are routinely ticketed by the "Montana Highway Patrol"."Highway Patrol" is a name given to drunken Wyoming cowboys who occasionally wander into the state. for driving like the officer's great-grandmother. Famous Montana residents include Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski, liberal scumbag Ted Turner, and many thousands of liberal scumbag bears. In 1993, the town of Ismay changed its name to Joe in honor of former NFL quarterback Joe Montana. In 1996, the town then changed its name to Crapville after realizing that nobody gave a crap about the initial name change. Colleges and Universities The two main universities in Montana are Montana State University, located in Bozeman, and the University of Montana, located in Missoula. The University of Montana is generally considered to be the inferior of the two schools, as its athletic mascot is the hated grizzly bear. Geography * Mountains: Lots of them. * Trees: A whole lot of them, many of which are located on the mountains. * Transportation: There are only two roads in the entire state of Montana: "I-90" and "I-15". Both are dirt paths. Travel to other "towns" in Montana is possible only by elephant caravan. (Donkey caravans were used for this purpose in the past until most of the donkeys in the state were crushed by elephants or auctioned off by Conrad Burns. Donkeys have been making a suprising comeback in recent years, however, largely because the governor, Brian Schweitzer grows them on his ranches.) External Links Charitable Organizations in Notes